Jokes
About Singers
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves"
for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate
to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate
back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On
the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back
to G minor."
The singer says:
"Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says:
"Well, that's what you did last time."
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that
they are on the wrong pitch.
How many Boy Bands does it take
to change a lightbulb?
We don't know - lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
What's the first thing a girl singer
does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
What's the next thing a soprano
does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.
How do you put a sparkle in a female
singers's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
If you threw a violist and a soprano
off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask
directions.
What's the difference between a
soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit
bull?
The jewelry.
If you threw a violist and a soprano
off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
How many sopranos does it take to
change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist
to do it.
What's the difference between a
Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from
a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between
a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian
soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the definition of an alto?
soprano who can sightread.
What's the difference between an
alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can't get that high.
What do you see if you look up
a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male
quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
What is the difference between
the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
What is the difference between
a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between
a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate
with humans.
How are sopranos defying the laws
of astrophysics?
The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.
Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
So tenors can understand them.
Did you hear about the electric
bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Music sung by two people at the
same time is called a duel.
How many sopranos does it take to
change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from
under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for
you dear."
How many lead singers does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds it, and the world revolves around him.
How many folk singers does it take
to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write a song about how
good the old light bulb was.
How many country & western singers
does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is
at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love
she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !"
and throw his hat in the air
How can you tell when a singer is
at your door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Drummer Jokes
How do you get a drummer off your porch
Pay him for the pizza?
How can you tell he was a drummer?
The knock was rushed.
How can you tell the stage is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
What's the difference between a drummer and a
drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
What do you call someone who hangs around with
musicians?
A drummer.
Johnny says to his mom, "I want to be a drummer
when I grow up."
Mom says, "But Johnny, you can't do both."
A
drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the
music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions,
please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions
are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red
one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't
you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Bass Jokes
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
An anthropologist decides to investigate the
natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide
with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he
would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel
up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature,
the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What
are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when
they stop."
Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped!
This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled
at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his
hands and said, "Bass Solo".
A couple was having marital difficulties and
consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor
told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication.
"You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend
that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass
player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
Nina J. Hodgson, Jazz Now Magazine
Bagpipe Jokes
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of
the bagpipes was inspired
when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his
arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of
sound
achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect
unison?
Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two bagpipes playing in unison.
What's the difference between a bagpipe and
an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
What's the difference between a bagpipe and
a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of
the
ducks.
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin
blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bagpipe recital.
What's the difference between the Great Highland
and Northumbrian
bagpipes?
The Great Highland bagpipes burn longer but the Northumbrian pipes
burns hotter
What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and
a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset
if you
borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
How many bagpipers does it take to change a
light bulb?
Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how
Bill
Livingston would have done it.
How many bagpipers does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you
trust for directions, an
in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa
Claus?
The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have
been
hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
Add vibrato.
How many bagpipers does it take to change a
light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much
better
they could have done it.
Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their
dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A bagpiper tuning his drones.
What do bagpipers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a dead bagpiper
in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
What's the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with
musicians?
A bagpiper.
What's one thing you never hear people say?
Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
Moving targets are harder to hit.
How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your
front door?
No one knows when to come in.
Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe
band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
What's the difference between a Scotsman and
a Rolling Stone?
A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!",
while a Scotsman
says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.
Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted
to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence
there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made
it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd
do in "that strange land." After the first month, his
mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?"
she asked.
"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head
sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that
side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and
the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into
the night."
"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful
noisy English neighbours?"
"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay
here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
General Music Jokes
One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first
hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time.
Gioacchino Rossini
What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
Why do musicians have to be awake by five o'clock?
Because most shops close by five thirty.
What would a musician do if he won a million
dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What's the difference between a musician and
a fourteen-inch pizza?
A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?
Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates,
and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?"
says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became
rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among
my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for
about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come
on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says,
"I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly
just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million
to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come
in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly
with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars
in my entire lifetime."
"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument
did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What
did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly
gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And
what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator,
through the kitchen ..."
A guy walks into the doctor's office
and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!"
The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells
him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no
movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something
stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc,
STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some
more information about you to try to figure out what's going on.
What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it!
Here's £10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Three guys are in a bar and begin
discussing annual incomes. The first guy brags and says that he
made £136,000 last year with salary and bonuses. The second
guy inquires, "What do you sell?" The second guy then
tops the first by bragging that his total annual income was £410,000
due to stock options and investments. The first guy is impressed
and asks, "Who is your broker?" The first and second guy
look at the third and ask, "How much money did you make last
year?". The third guy replies rather embarrassed, "£4,000"
The second guy replies, "We had no idea you were a musician.
What instrument do you play?"
What does new age music sound like
played backwards?
New age music.
What happens when you play "the
blues" backwards?
Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get
out of prison.
What happens when you play country
western music backwards?
You get your pickup truck back, your dog returns to life, and you
get back your job at the car wash.
What happens when you play Beethoven
backwards?
He decomposes.
Two musicians are driving down a
road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat.
Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died.
But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each
musician with one last request to remind them of their past life
on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western
musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart
as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill
me now!"
There were two people walking down
the street - one was a musician.
The other didn't have any money either.
What's the difference between a
musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
What do you call a musician that
just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
How many musicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around and
say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
Musician: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
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