Eugene Portman on piano
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Jokes Page

 

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These are some of my favourite musician jokes. I'm afraid it's a bit unbalanced; there are very few good jokes about pianists but there seems to be plenty about everybody else.

Accordion Jokes

Viola Jokes

Violin Jokes

Guitar Jokes

Banjo Jokes

Saxophone Jokes

Piano Jokes

Vocalist Jokes

Trombone Jokes

Trumpet Jokes

Drummer Jokes

Bass Jokes

Bagpipe Jokes

General Music Jokes

 

 

Accordion Jokes

What is the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a mobile phone.


What is the difference between an Uzi machine gun and an accordion?
The Uzi machine gun stops after 20 rounds.


What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.


What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.


An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.


Viola Jokes

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!


What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.


What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.


What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.


What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A violator.


What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A semi-tone.


Why are violas so large?
It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.


What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
Violists.


What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.


Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.


What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.


Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
So the violists don't need to be retrained.


When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
Who cares!


Fight between the musicians

At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.

He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.

The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!"

"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"

In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"


How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.


How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.


What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.


Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It is usually still in the case.


What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.


How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.


What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.


Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.


Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

 


Violin Jokes

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.


Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

 

The autograph book

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."


Contacting a friend

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"


Here is your punishment

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"


Guitar Jokes

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither did I.


How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put some music in front of him.
How do you make him stop?
Put notes on it!
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.


Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them.


What's the difference between a guitar solo and a hurricane?
Nothing. You know it's coming, and there's not a thing you can do about it.


What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.


Banjo Jokes

How do you define a "perfect throw"?
When tossing a banjo in the dumpster, the neck goes through the bellows of an accordian.


Terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players going to a convention. They told authorities that unless their demands were met they would begin releasing the banjo players.


What's the difference between a macaw and a banjo? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.


What do you call 25 banjo-players up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.


What's the difference between a hedgehog that's been run over and a banjo that's been run over? The hedgehog has skid marks in front of it.


Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery - she says "Daddy, I didn't know they put two people in the same grave". I said honey they never do that. She said well look for yourself, on the tombstone it says - here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.


How do you know if you're looking at a banjo player's family tree? It has only one branch.


How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player? If the car doesn't have wheels but the house does.


How do you tune 2 banjos? You shoot one of them.


What's the difference between a banjo and a keyring? Keyrings hold the key!


What's the difference between a professional banjo player (banjologist?) and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!


The banjo is a divine instrument. Man plays it but only God knows why!


Some people instantly dislike banjo players. It saves time.


The banjo is to music what spam is to food.


Why are there no Banjos in Star Wars? Because it's set in the future!


Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you only have one month left to live!"
Woman: "But doctor, isn't there anything at all I can do?"
Doctor: "You could marry a banjo-player!"
Woman: "Oh, will I live longer, then"
Doctor: "No, but it will feel much longer!"


How can a banjo player improve his car's petrol consumption? A. Take off the Domino's Pizza sign.


How long does it take to tune a banjo? A. Nobody knows.


Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker? It's hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.


What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion.


What's the difference between an anchor and a banjo? You tie a rope to the anchor before you throw it overboard! Ha ha ha


Why is a banjo like an artillery shell? Because by the time you hear either of them it is too late to run.


Saxophone Jokes

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.


Piano Jokes

"Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"
"So I can't see the agony of the audience."


Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.


What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead keyboard player?
The skunk was probably on his way to a gig.


Piano Tuner: I've come to tune the piano.
Music Teacher: But we didn't send for you.
Piano Tuner: No, but the people who live across the street did.


A guy walks into a bar carrying a duffel bag and sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the bag and asks the man, "What's in it?"
The man opens the bag and takes out an 12-inch tall man and a small piano and tells the bartender that this is the only 12-inch pianist on earth.
"Wow," exclaims the bartender, "how did you get him?"
"Well, it happened like this. One day I was walking on the beach and I noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a cork on it. I opened the bottle up and a genie appeared. The genie told me that he would grant me one wish and I could wish for anything. You don't think I wished for an 12-inch pianist do you?"


Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when pushed off a cliff.


My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."


At a posh wedding reception in Beverly Hills the pianist falls into the swimming pool. The pianist flails furiously while calling for help, yelling "help me! I can't swim!" One of the other guests who happens to be at the poolside says "So? I can't play the piano and you don't hear me complaining."


Definition of a piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.


Jokes About Singers

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says:
"Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says:
"Well, that's what you did last time."


Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know - lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!


What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.


What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.


How do you put a sparkle in a female singers's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.


If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.


What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.


What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.


If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?


How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.


What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.


How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.


What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.


How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.


What's the definition of an alto?
soprano who can sightread.


What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.


How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can't get that high.


What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.


How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.


Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.


What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.


What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.


What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.


What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.


What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.


How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?
The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.


Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
So tenors can understand them.


Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?


Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.


How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."


How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds it, and the world revolves around him.


How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.


How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air


How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.


Trombone Jokes

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.


How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.


How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.


What's the definition of a gentleman?
Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.


What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A trombone will bend before it breaks.


There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
The frog's probably on its way to a gig.


Trumpet Jokes

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.


Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.


What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.



How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
King Kong is more sensitive.


The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.


Drummer Jokes

How do you get a drummer off your porch
Pay him for the pizza?

How can you tell he was a drummer?
The knock was rushed.


How can you tell the stage is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.


What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.


What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.


Johnny says to his mom, "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."

Mom says, "But Johnny, you can't do both."

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."


Bass Jokes

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.


An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".


A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."


Nina J. Hodgson, Jazz Now Magazine


Bagpipe Jokes

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.


Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.


What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
Good question. We're still trying to find out too.


Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired
when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound
achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock


How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.


What's the definition of a minor second?
Two bagpipes playing in unison.


What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.


What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.


How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the
ducks.


How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bagpipe recital.


What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian
bagpipes?
The Great Highland bagpipes burn longer but the Northumbrian pipes burns hotter


What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
Gifted.


What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you
borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.


How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill
Livingston would have done it.


How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.


If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an
in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.


How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
Add vibrato.


How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better
they could have done it.


Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.


What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A bagpiper tuning his drones.


What do bagpipers use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.


What's the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.


What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A bagpiper.


What's one thing you never hear people say?
Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.


Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
Moving targets are harder to hit.


How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.


Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.


Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."


What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman
says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.


Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."


General Music Jokes

One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time.


Gioacchino Rossini


What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"


Why do musicians have to be awake by five o'clock?
Because most shops close by five thirty.


What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.


What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.


How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?
Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof


Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen ..."


A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's £10.00. Go get something to eat!"


Three guys are in a bar and begin discussing annual incomes. The first guy brags and says that he made £136,000 last year with salary and bonuses. The second guy inquires, "What do you sell?" The second guy then tops the first by bragging that his total annual income was £410,000 due to stock options and investments. The first guy is impressed and asks, "Who is your broker?" The first and second guy look at the third and ask, "How much money did you make last year?". The third guy replies rather embarrassed, "£4,000" The second guy replies, "We had no idea you were a musician. What instrument do you play?"


What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.


What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.


What happens when you play country western music backwards?
You get your pickup truck back, your dog returns to life, and you get back your job at the car wash.


What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
He decomposes.


Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"


There were two people walking down the street - one was a musician.
The other didn't have any money either.


What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.


What do you call a musician that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.


How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."

Musician: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."


 

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Please note that most of the photographs on this site were taken by Eugene Portman and are subject to copyright.